I have been an atheist for the better part of my life. I started doubting everything at the age of six and I was pretty sure by my first holy communion – the make-believe ritual of eating an unleavened wafer masquerading as the literal body of the 2000 year old vampire Jesus Christ – that all this religious crap was utter poppycock. I’m, as of now, not confirmed as a Roman catholic, which is to say that the sacrament of confirmation eludes me.
In small doses, I dared to defy the laws put forth by the religious to test if I’d be damned. While I have no problem publicly declaring my disbelief – trust me, I’ve tried, only to undo them in a few minutes due to “concerns” – there is always a part of me, my six year old self, that doesn’t want to go to hell. So, I decided to do away with this indecisiveness and after a while of brainstorming through the first set of rules “god” bestowed upon mankind – The Ten Commandments – I came to a conclusion.
Guess what?! I’m going to heaven…
The views expressed here are completely the work of Denver, who likes referring to himself by name sometimes, and must not be implicated on to anybody else. I don’t share credit.
These are my personal thoughts and ideas that I’ve consolidated for the world to read and it is never going off the internet, I hope. It is merely present for the purposes of humour and mild criticism and not intended as an insult or an attack towards members of any faith or religion, even though I don’t really give a damn about your feelings. Do remember that if any harm is done to me or anyone associated with me, there is… erm, not much I can do, but your God is watching. You do want to go to heaven, don’t you?
Luckily, swearing isn’t listed anywhere in the commandments.
Yeah! So I just realised that everything I’ve ever done has always been within the realms of freedom afforded by the ten commandments. I must be the most righteous of all the people that might’ve ever existed. Of course, there are minor kinks all over. At places, it would be difficult to defend some of them – but it’s all a matter of interpretation. I choose to interpret the commandments my own way to keep myself comfortable, just like everybody. If I’m doing it wrong, don’t tell me. Ignorance is bliss.
What I’ll do is simply list the ten commandments and explain how I followed it ever so dearly and, Oh!, so unintentionally. It may not be in the order expected and might not have the same material. This is how I learnt it. I’m sure you’ll forgive me for not writing it in its archaic forms we’ve all grown to love, for some reason. Forgive to be forgiven – that’s something you ought to be good at, aren’t you?!
The Ten Commandments
‘I’m your God and you are my people. You shall not worship any God other than me.’
I, once, did believe that my “god” was a real god. I prayed a lot and I waited for answers. My religiousness peaked at the age of five. Unfortunately for that non-existent god, my parents didn’t misdirect me and others who tried didn’t succeed. I’m an atheist now and I fear no hell-fire, but technically the commandment only says that you shall not worship other gods. It never says you have to worship him at all. We’re good here, right?
‘Don’t make any graven image of the lord, your God.’
If I ever did, it was against my will. I never liked wearing chains with crucifixes or having idols around the house. I don’t know why people disobey this simple rule and the one thing I can’t put my finger on is that they all have more crucifixes than idols. You’re literally immortalising the worst moment of a person’s life. That is some balls.
‘You shall not take the name of the lord, your God, in vain.’
First of all, what’s with the ‘lord, your God’?! I have never ever used the name of god to make promises or statements, even when compelled to. I’ve never lied using the name of god; I haven’t even told the truth in the name of god. The one time I yelled ‘Jesus Christ!’, someone turned around and asked me ‘What happened?’ – so, if anything, it wasn’t in vain, that I can tell you.
‘Keep the sabbath holy.’
I do keep the sabbath holy. I followed this with so much devotion, that I did my homework before every saturday evening to avoid going to hell. Not really, I did it to enjoy my sundays; but it’s nice when things work out, doesn’t it? Now-a-days, I keep the sabbath holy by not going to church – legwork is still work.
‘Honour your parents.’
My parents are utterly indescribable. They have always taken care of me and respected every single thought I’ve had. I’d worship them if it were not for the first commandment. Despite the fact that they still believe in god like a deist, they understand that I have a good reason not to believe. Honouring my parents is nothing less of an honour – and I do.
‘You shall not commit adultery.’
“Married people?! With all their thorough stench of sexual repression, desperation and depravity? Ew!!!” Enough said.
‘You shall not murder.’
I’m a bit foggy on this one. I’ve never killed another human being. Rats, on the other hand, I have three. Bugs, plenty. I have experimented on flies that might have resulted in their death – wasn’t my intention. Indirectly, I’ve seen many a chicken get killed, and I did do nothing to stop it – mainly because I got them slaughtered for my many a dinner. They were delicious, by the way. It is a bit confusing though, at times; god was pissed at Cain for killing his brother but not at Abel who killed a lamb, or was it a sheep (never mind that!). Basically all I can take from this clusterfuck is that god definitely hates it only when one kills a man, except of course when he does it himself, or orders someone to do it, or he orders two bears to do it. The list is quite long; read the bible for the sake of the one who cannot be named because of his ridiculous third commandment.
‘You shall not steal.’
I always pay when I’m due and I make it a point to bring it to their notice if the recipient erroneously dismisses me.
‘You shall not bear false witness.’
I’ve never lied. Ever. I have always been truthful and yet, it has always hurt me in the most obvious of ways. I’ve avoided lying when I was explicitly instructed to lie. If that wasn’t already a rarity, you’d be pleased to know that I took it one notch further. Technically, when one believes in god, they’re lying to themselves. That, kind of, negates this whole discussion, but whatever…
‘You shall not covet.’
I have never coveted. Not my neighbours wife, his things, or for that matter, anybody’s wife or things, or husbands (or their things) just to be clear. I’m pretty content with what I have – my things and my thing included. But, every time I asked for more, it’s always been like ‘Mommy, I want that smartphone.’, and never like this – ‘Mommy, even John has one, even Dennis has one. Daniel, Dave, Dean; you name it, all of them have one. I want one.’
So, now you see. I’m going to heaven regardless of my current state of mind. I thought about the whole thing as I pondered the implication of Pascal’s wager. It’s a coward’s insurance against hellfire, but wouldn’t you go for it?
If you believe in God and are wrong, you lose nothing. But, if you disbelieve and are wrong you lose everything.
His idea was that the non-existence of a god wouldn’t hurt theists and atheists alike. However, if god existed, eternal damnation wasn’t worth it, so it seemed a good idea to believe in a god.
What he neglected, though, was that even if he believed in a god, there was a high probability that his god wasn’t the one true god; he’d suffer eternal torture if that’s the case. Also, he didn’t really think there was any harm in believing in a god. Really?! If you found out there wasn’t a god wouldn’t you’ve lived your life a little more fully rather than stuffing it with unanswered pleas?
I’m almost certain I’m going to heaven even if god exists, I don’t need to wager anymore. I’ll live doing good to people because I want to. Though I can’t assert I’m morally stronger than anybody, I do abide by the golden rule – ‘Don’t do what you wouldn’t want done to yourself.’
Oh! And by the way, as I was writing this, I came to know that the ten commandments, we’re most familiar with, are just the first of 613. So, I guess that’s that…